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hipquick's journal
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LIfe of a grande Lesbiana  ok so im here at Ruta Maya the coffee shop, trying to get a job. recently i have gotten my heart slammed into ground by a slut dawn so now im playing the field but im buisy.so peace ok so i need to decide where i want to go with life. i mean i havent been working for like almost 2 months i have been slacking off with bartending but i am surviving but i owe alot of money to alot of places. well anyways i have pretty much gotten over brittany. i mean i have a wonderful girlfriend. we have been spending alot of time with eachother she stayed with me for like 4 days. i just dont know how gay she is. emma is wonderful but im not atracted to her. i just dont know. i mean ugh. she is great could take care of me and i wouldnt have to worry about a thing maybe i like being scared. well anyways last night i went to dj shadow with emma it was great i was drunk as hell just like acl. ughh well im drunk babysitting and have to get up early so im going to try and take a nap. ok so im at brenda's babysitting so i can make some extra cash. anyways so im doing bartending school. i need to get on the ball. i just have a really hard time following through with my goals. like i let something in my head tell me something different. ok so J.W. just moved up here from palistine. i met him in rehab and hes going to live with stu and i. i hope it works out i dont want to lose another friend by living with them. u know when u live with people it changes everything. ok so with what is on my mind. ok so Brit who i thought was still my girlfriend i mean like we never discussed breaking up. but i knew ever since i went up to dallas a month ago. i mean she is straight, she told me she sees herself with a man in the future. we went to a party and i mean i didnt know anyone plus they were all straight college kids. i just didnt fit in and she didnt go out of her way at all to make me fel comfortable. the party actually was an eye opener. but i dont understand why she went after me in the first place. i dont know why she asked me to be her girlfriend. i just dont understand if she is so "straight" why she has told me some of the things she has told me. i mean i guess if she didnt move away we would probably still be together, i didnt think distance would have effected it but it did terribly. but i mean she was the first girl that i actually from the start was comfortable with since jamie or taylor. i mean i really felt love for her and i thought maybe just maybe she felt the same for me but i guess she either cant accept that being with a female makes her happy. like i know the loves the sexual aspect of it but when it comes down to being known as a "lesbian" just freaks her out. Why i even let myself get semi-attatched to her i don't know maybe its because i think that i could some how change her outlook on lesbian life. the whole reason i am contiplating all of this is because i looked at her myspace saw my pics were gone and her blog on the perfect person she is looking for. which i am guessing that she kinda blocked me out and didnt tell me. i mean i guess i cant say anything because i havent been an angel. i actually am seeing someone else, who is amazing but its hard for me to let go the idea of me and brit b/c seh made me so happy. she changed my whole view on dating. taught me to be patient and it will come. taught me that u dont have to see eachother everyday to still have the connection. taught me to be openminded about sensitive problems and not running which before her i probably would have. i guess i need to let go i mean she will be there for atleast 4 years and alot can happen in 4 years. i guess i just need closure but i mean we still talk a few times a week and i mean she still referred to me as her girlfriend but i know she is looking alsewere and i am being so hypicritical because i am seeing someone else but i guess we just need to talk we are open but we said if we found someone we would end it. ugh i dont know i guess its because the only reason i pursued someone else was after the dallas trip, i knew it would never be the same and i didnt want to be alone but i have found someone who is hott, smart and strong but i mean she has some big issues lets just say baggage that i dont know if i should keep it going because even though they are not an issue now i know they will be plus there is this other girl. she is amazing i mean she actually cares about me, would do anything to just make me smile or not be stressed out. i mean i know she will be there for me regardless but im not attracted to her and i know that is shallow but how can a relationship be if im not attracted and i have been trying to see all her great points but there jsut isnt a spark and if dawn finds out about her which is easy because her friends friend lives in her apartment complex and almost busted me last night and could easily bust me. im not trying to be a player i know how all of this sounds i just want to find the right person for me and i know who my heart wants but the whole point of me dating is to get over her but i mean should i try to get over her if we are still dating? i just dont think brit is as into it as i am i think she wants her dick and to eat her pussy too. im not cool with that. i hate that some relationships end jsut for the fact that i dont have a penis! NO MORE STRAIGHT GIRLS!!!!!!!!! they will never have the same intentions as me. i have so much to offer a women, so much compasion,passion,love, encouragement it just seems that my heart feels the way it did when i had no one. i have options but it has just been making me to emotional. i just want someone to put as much as i am and it seems i will never find my "lobster" so many times i thought i did and i didnt. i mean ugh i dont know why i do what i do. i mean emma the one im not that attractd to is sooooooo great but she wants all of my time and i dont like those kind of relationships and she gets mad easily and i havent even been talking to her that long and we have gotten in so so many fights and brit and i like never had one. well i think i have contridicted everything in here. that is my mind though. oh yeah i did want to mention that i went to an aa meeting yesterday. i didnt call this lady though but i will tomorrow. she could be my sponsor but i might keep looking because there are alot of different groups in austin. there is an all gay one that i havent been to, but the lady is a lesbian. and i met another lesbian who was really sweet and works in a bar. she gave me the best hug. i mean i need more sober people in my life because my drinking has been out of hand for months now. i mean it isnt as bad as it was. i mean its 1 am and i am not drunk but it doesnt mean i wont stay up till 5 drinking. but ok i need a cig so im going to go. peace!!! Current mood:  contemplative.
i just want to get out alot that is on my mind. ok first of all life is better then it has been just for the fact that i have gotten rid of the people that fuck my life up. i mean i am tired of people taking my generosity for granted. ive let people back in my life because for some reason i believed people can change but i know that people can only change if they want to and most don't. Brandon i know u will probably read this eventually. i don't understand why u did what u did. why fuck up what we had. i mean your back in an abusive relationship the one i helped u get away from and lost my co-signer of my apartment because i just wanted u safe. i dont understand the blows u have taken against me i just don't understand why people want to ruin other peoples life. yes i have dirt to ruin yours but u know i didnt because i will always love u but know that we cannot be friends ever again because i dont want it to always be the same bullshit. i mean it brings me to tears to think how much i care about u, and to know your not doing the right thing in certain subjects. just know i didnt spread that bullshit i told a few that really needed to know for their safety. i hope u can get the strength to do things on your own. i just want for us to live ourlives without worrying about how good others are doing. like i said i miss u but u need to seriously think about your actions b/c i would have never done one of the things to you that you have done to me. ive learned it doesnt matter how long u know someone that doesnt mean they are a true friend. true friends do everything they can to protect one another not fuck up there lives. ok enough on brandon. Kara, recently we were getting close again i actually trusted in u what a dumbass i was and to think 6 different people told me repeatedly what u where capable of. i knew this isnt the first time you have done something like this. this just shows your character. you wonder why you dont have a girlfriend or even that many "real" friends not just some u talk to on myspace its because of YOU. did u know that everyone we hung out has asked me what your problem is? told me how much of a buzzkill u were bc your never satisfied but of course i always stuck up for you bc im honestly worried about you. you dont think before you do things you dont listen when people are just trying to look out for you. i didnt do anything to you to make you do what you did. honestly kara i saw all the text you cant fool me. you totally fucked up our friendship i would never have done that to you. i dont know if its becaue u r jealous or what but what grown women would do tha to a friend of 5 years. you never acted like u cared about me and this just goes to show the color of your soul because it didnt bother u at all to try and fuck up a great thing. just because your miserable doesnt mean i have to be to. i want to just say its done between us dont ever try to come back bc this time its not going to happen. i hope your happy. be careful bc if u r not careful u will end up getting yourself killed. ok now that that is taken care of life is good. im still living in my apartment with stewart its weird that the most irrespnsable person has taken so much charge to better his life without him i would be homeless. i quit h.e.b. im going to bartending school i already have checked into alot of places to work and so many are hiring. i plan to start school next spring even if its just one class. i want to be an x-ray tech so if i just put my head to it i can. i have learned so much from the new women i have met. brit taught me not to trust anyone to stick up for myself, she showed me i am capable of so much more then the petty bs life. she taught me how to be patient but also the pain of someone moving away. i have been blessed to have had a wonderful person in my life that has showed me alot. anyways i gotta go play pool so peace. ok so ive been doing great.brandon has been staying with me and it has been so fun. but i have also been sick with mono so i havent been working. i start tomorrow again. i have been hanging with alot of different people. alot that i have known and it feels so good be the old beth but just better. so im home alone which isnt normal. brandon is at davids and nathan left to give me and brit some privacy. it sucks because she and i are getting very close i mean i didnt get to spend mjuch time this weekend because she had to study and i missed her soooo much. like tonight was so great. but she is moving in a month! and it jsut sucks because i know she feels the exact same as i do for her. we are great and she will be gone. i am fighting to not get attatached but i feel i already am. i dont know ugh. i just know when she actually moves ill be upset. ugh ok well i still have a month so i guess ill jsut get over it. ok well im tired. peace. ok well life has been half great half shitty. so i have mono. ive never had it and it is the worst thing ever. i have been sick for over 2 weeks. i havent been able to work very much luckily everything will work out. im feeling alittle better but im still going to be sick for another 2 weeks atleast. besides that life has been great. i have been hanging out with so many people and going out and doing things. ive been hanging with shorty and paul. that has been a blast i met anew girl named "z" who is interested in me. she is cute but i have one who has my attention right now. her name is brit. we have actually been "hanging out" for about a month now. we have this crazy connection and crazy attraction. she is beautiful also. she has the cutest hair the cutest everything. she is very classy and has her life together. seh goes to acc, works at a chiropractic office. the only bad thing is she is moving soon. it sucks bad i finally found a great someone and she has to move. i know i can still see her but still. but im not going to get into a relationship i dont need it right now. i found out taylor had been lying to me for a month or so that she in fact had been dating jacob i jsut dont know why she couldnthave been honest ok well nathan is here and we are going t hays peace. ok so im going to go on and forget about all the bullshit because this is my place to type. anyways so life is grand. im working at H.E.B.i have4 my own place that has been a blaST. NATHAN brandon and i have been living AND HAVING FUN. ok so we now have the internet and cable. which is great i have everything i need. been hanging out with a lot of people. many from hays many not. i have a new "like" been doing cute things like go on dates and doing cute things out like canoeing and other things. life couldnt be better im sober to my standards and actually living life not worrieing about other people. i know i have alot to do in life thats why im living it to the fullest. ok well its late but ya. peace/////// Okay its a deal, brandon and I will stop, since you guys promised, we are not bitches and dont like doing all this. just when you are attacked your instinct is to attack back. melody your great, we have always like you, we will stop. thank you for being the mediator. mandalyn none of this would have even started if you wouldnt have gotten on here and posted in the first place! im over YOU. and i could care less of what we have is sqaushed or not. but i really think your a pussy for having your sister call me. i plan on shutting this down any way, so have fun trying to figure out the password this time...and you know it was illegal for you to tamper with the privacy act of this community, and its really nice to have it on paper of your sister threatening me, it would really make a good case in court. im sure her kids and husband wouldnt like that to happen.so...as i said before...PEACE. oh how it feels great to start a new life without any drama except what some bitch who thinks she knows so much about me. ok so i dated a guy what the fuck im young and am going to experiment. ok so when all you have is that i switch fucking different genders and that i am a drunk. oh you know me well right. i bet i have more fun and am more on my own than you. and yes the crackhouse counts. bitch. atleast i dont have to move into a place just to try and get a boyfriend. while all a long your ugly ass goes to the extreme. Its fantastic working at my new job and am in my own apartment. my parents LOVE me enough to help me out when i need to be helped...at least my moms not a fucking whore, who sleeps around and has boyfriends to pay the bills. i feel so blessed. and fortunate.... hey you know how you felt about seans house...so dont act dumb. your cunt would lie even in a rat infested house just to get laid...embarrising. by the way i just bought a new cd dash player, its so pimp. i love my pay, my job is not sum BULLSHIT. and who cares about how long you can hold a job...its a given if you only work 20 hours a week............. and its a given i still have a car, when some unfortunates are totaled and better yet their boifriend doesnt even HAVE ONE! hahahahah....or a license...your on your way...Riiiiiiiiite. i know where youll be in ten years mandalyn you actually graduated to the trailer park of your OWN...lol...bitch dont act BRAND NEW...cuz you aint? you just aint worth a damn...but who am i to tell you how low your self esteem is, when we all know you tell well...how stupid is someone to cut themselves, PASSED THE AGE 16! you wanna diss on me having to go to rehab, at least i know i HAD a problem. there are CUTTERS anonymous..... do you cry in a dark room and cut and cry cuz you actually for some fucked up reason in your head enjoyed getting MOLESTED! seriously....you slip a dick into your cunt when a guy is NOT willing to fuck you...you cant even get a dude to keep it up, with you chigger face son of a bitch. i cant wait for this summer i know what it is like to actually be social, and that doesnt mean sitting on the couch in the country talking to my mother all nite...how boring...really...great self esteem / Motivation / looks / decency / class...etc. Yes your broke ass mandylan, this is for you.....you did steal or is it STILL....ugh is that a TYPO....get reall ya fuck. you stole my DVDs, i hope your fingeringyourself at nite enjoying your new prosperity....fucking bitch. and my pills come on, get your ass on the corner, or fuck one of your mothers boifriends to get sum.....gosh your so horrible, it really makes me pitty you....YES your so belittling to anyones life, your very condensending....fuck your so horrible. oh so bitch you wanna talk about brandon, at least he has a life. and hes really freaking great to party with. he actually lets me be my own, and doesnt try to control every aspect. OH my GOSH, does he have friends and CUTE ones, Not Jagged tooth, wannabe, this or thats...you really have no clue about how well off he is. its so funny, that your in a shack somewhere, raping dudes, cutting yourself...and hes in a beautiful house with a hott dude, that even if you could suck a dick, you could never get a dime....and he mentions his boat cause its his life, hes well off to laugh at you fucks. seriously, catch up...and its so funny when he laughs at you....you really would go to a river and swim with dogs...BULLSEYE! and you SO would use a water hose, and act like its the shit...maybe just maybe secretly you stick it up your jagged cunt and believe that your actually getting laid, and better yet IT STAYS UP THIS TIME!!! well peace, yes peace....hoez...and just congratulate, it would save you some time. or at least make your boi want to fuck you if you could just shut the fuck up. |
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